The “Perfect” Partner

Aziz Ansari’s book Modern Romance is a pretty good and entertaining read on what it’s like to date in the digital age.  One of the ideas that rung particularly true to me was that online dating, especially in a major city, drives a search for a perfect partner.  There are just so many options that there always seems to be someone better out there than the person you are currently talking to.  Consequently no one takes each other seriously and everyone keeps rushing on to the next person as soon as the first thing emerges about their partner they don’t like.  It also gets to the point where “normal” people just can’t compete.  For instance, out of a 2000+ “matches” I’m going to focus my attention on the top few hundred that grab my eye, typically based on photo attractiveness. There just isn’t time to even consider “average” people who might actually be a really good match for me.

So who do I end up chasing after?  Based on how I’ve recently found myself rapidly scanning through online-dating profiles, I’ve slowly realized I’ve subconsciously created this fictional woman that has my favorite aspects of all the women I’ve ever dated – the “perfect” woman.  And of course perfect does not exist.  Below is how I’ve found myself approach online dating recently:

Autoscreen out: no one with kids, no one taller than me (prefer at least three inches shorter, need to allow for heels), no one overweight, no one much older than me.

Pictures:

First thing- face.  Am I attracted to her face?  Typically involves a lot of makeup.

Breasts- what can I say, I like breasts.  Prefer D-cups, C’s are alright though.  Don’t really care if they’re fake or not.

Fit- prefer muscular and toned over skinny, otherwise good proportions (curves in the right places).

[So a fit girl, likely with a boob job who wears a lot of makeup is basically what I find myself going after first, and there are lots of women who meet that description where I live.  If I see a woman like that, then I’ll probably message her barring no other red flags.  But everything below is also what I’m searching a profile for to identify a “perfect” match for relationship material]

Dress – some pictures of her in clothing in the “flirty-naughty-slutty” spectrum.  I love having a woman who wears attention-getting stuff like short miniskirts and showing some cleavage.  I also like to stand out.  Having at least one classy picture is also good.

Tattoos- yes please.  Particularly thigh tattoos, and piercings too, why not.

Then to move on to the written profile:

Is her profile at least somewhat articulate?

Does she have a legitimate job/career path (can she be self-sufficient?), and does she have her own passions and goals?  Independent goals are compelling.  Also I need my me time, and so my partner is going to have to have a life of her own.

Are there indicators of intelligence?  (what does she read, her education, her hobbies).

Is she hardworking/disciplined?  (fitness, job, hobbies, education?)

Does she have a healthy lifestyle?

Does she like anything metal/goth/punk/alternative/geeky?  Generally things I like so some shared interest is good.

Does she come from a rich background and is spoiled? – that’s bad.  I usually avoid anyone who says one of their hobbies is “dressage”.

Is she going to try to evangelize me to some religion?  Obviously won’t work out.  I don’t care what religion she is, as long as she leaves me out of it.

Does she not drink?  I actually had a girl I dated deliberately not drink around me when she found out about my issues, and I really appreciated it.  I hate to ask for it though, it’s admitting to a weakness.  But if I can find someone who doesn’t drink, bonus.

Lastly anything to think she isn’t trustworthy?  Of course I try to avoid fakes and liars, but usually can’t tell this from a profile though.

So that’s pretty much it.  Oh, and she has to like me, who is on the shorter side, doesn’t drink, and has a career that moves me around the country, not to mention all sorts of other idiosyncrasies and weird tastes.  So yeah, I’m searching for this “perfect” woman, with a bias towards superficial traits and I’m obviously not perfect myself.  That’s why we’re single.

-dmitri

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