Dating Profile Time

Starting back up with some online dating after a break for a few months.  I still have my profile from last time, so I need to decide what do I want to change if anything.  It’s always a fun game to try to figure out what type of profile will work the best.  I’ve been online dating for about a decade now, so I have some experience.

My last profile was pretty detailed.  I was operating on the strategy that I’m in a very populated area, and I’m otherwise not overly remarkable (not ridiculously good looking, rich, or tall), so it was best to have a lot of details to stand out.  Granted, more details does give you an opportunity to share something someone doesn’t like, however why bother dating if something is a deal breaker in the first place?  I also had a fair number of pictures in a bunch of different situations.

A possible alternative strategy is to go with a more minimalistic profile.  Too much detail can look desperate, and make you seem more serious and less fun.  Withholding information can also add a sense of mystery.  So I’ve been thinking of cutting back information.  Maybe just share a few juicy tidbits and allow the joy of discovery during the dating process.

What do you think?   If someone has a long dating profile, would that give you a different impression of them either way?  For me personally, I like some details and appreciate when a profile is well written, but a wall of text is a bit of a turnoff for some reason.  How about more pictures or less pictures?  Generally feel like as long as look attractive in all your pictures, it would be good to add some more to show different sides of you.  A ton of selfies though doesn’t help.

 

~Dmitri

IQ and Romance

If you are intelligent, do you need an intelligent partner to be happy?  There is certainly a lot of research out there that shows intelligence isn’t positively correlated with romantic success, so intelligence isn’t necessarily attractive in of itself.  However, if you are an intelligent person already, are you more attracted to intelligent people?  And on the flip side, does that make it harder to find partners attractive to you?

The answer from my own experience is yes.  While I have certainly dated people from all walks of life, if I can’t connect with someone on an intellectual level (or they regularly exhibit sub-par intelligence) then it’s just a huge turn-off.  This might be because we have less interests in common, or maybe it’s just because smart people want to have smart babies and the chances of that go down with a dumb partner.  Regardless, this preference seems to narrow down the pool of potential romantic partners I’m compatible with.

So what to do about this?  Getting over it is hard, it’s pretty difficult to force yourself to be attracted to someone.  Who wants to feel like they’re settling?  Better targeting dating seems to be the way to go, although it’s hard to judge intelligence just based on a profile.  You can always filter by education, but that seems overly specific.  I really don’t care if you went to a good school, just that we can have a good conversation.  Something I never really tried is to go to physical locations that would attract smarter people.  Museums need to have a singles night.

 

~Dmitri

 

 

And for the record, I don’t mean to sound pretentious in this post – I certainly do my fair share of stupid things, but by most objective (education, career) and subjective (intellectual interests) measures I’m on the “smarter” side of the population spectrum.

 

Casual Sex

A weird thing has happened as I’ve gotten older.  I’ve stopped caring about sex as much, or at least casual sex.  Certainly when I was younger that was always the goal when you went out with the guys, to hook up.  But at some point I’ve just gotten tired of it.  It’s not really a loss of sex desire really, there is still very much enjoyment from sex in my relationships.  And I don’t know that I would turn it down if offered, but I just don’t get excited about trying to go out and get laid.

Couple thoughts on that.  A large amount of self validation for men comes from being able to get laid, so after you’ve had enough sex, and/or are generally comfortable with yourself, you aren’t seeking that validation anymore.  Also, you can have some close calls (I’ve had a few broken condom incidents) that make you realize sex can have consequences, and honestly if you aren’t willing to have sex with someone without a condom, you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them period.

Then it seems standards go up.  Once you’ve been with a partner at a certain level of attractiveness, it’s hard to get excited for something less.  Not drinking certainly removes a huge source of temptation; beer goggles will definitely change your standards.

Basically I’d rather just masturbate than go through the trouble of trying to go to a bar to hook up.  So happy St. Patrick’s Day!  I think I’ll sit this one out.

~Dmitri

Sleep

This is a self-improvement post.  See all here: https://starandlotus.wordpress.com/2016/05/29/self-improvement/

There’s been a running fight between myself and getting a good night’s sleep.  I tend to be prone to overthinking everything, and often just lie in bed mind racing.  It has affected my career in some ways, in particular not being able to do certain military assignments because I was briefly diagnosed with a sleeping disorder.  At that time I was pretty unhealthy and not very excited about the path I was on, both of which contributed.

During that time the military introduced me to Ambien as a way to get myself on the right cycle.  Ambien is definitely effective, it is also a hallucinogen.  You get some crazy dreams, and are also pretty out of it if you wake up before it wears off.  It’s downright dangerous when combined with alcohol or other drugs.  The Ambien worked, but I wasn’t allowed to be on Ambien while doing that type of work.  When I couldn’t keep to a sleep schedule, the military reassigned me.

That worked out for the best, but I had been introduced to self-medicating to get to sleep.  That creeped up a few years later when I started to use alcohol to compensate.  Of course alcohol doesn’t let you get quality sleep, but it will knock you out.  Well, that turned out predictably: me eventually being diagnosed an alcoholic.  Quitting alcohol eventually did help with the sleeping.  It just led me to be more consistent.

Eventually I’ve quit caffeine too.  That cycle of getting energized by drinks then crashing just stopped being productive for me.  Quitting caffeine seems to have gotten me into a pretty good rhythm.  In addition to generally living a healthy lifestyle, my sleep issues are pretty good, barring the occasional night when I happen to get my mind excited about something.

So that’s the secret I guess, live healthy, no alcohol, no caffeine, and hopefully you won’t need prescription sleeping pills.

 

~dmitri

 

 

Security

Is it good to be secure?

Security is usually considered a good thing.  If you are financially secure, secure in your relationships, and in your life, then it would seem to be a pretty low stress existence, right?  What do you have to worry about?

The thing is, my life experience has been the exact opposite.  I’ve actually been the most productive and happy when I am under a decent amount of stress and in some ways insecure.  Being insecure drives you.  You’re willing to take more risks, work harder, and reach for more ambitious goals.  Insecurity breeds purpose.  Security breeds sloth.  An individual with nothing to lose is who ends up making a difference with their lives.

This can also apply to relationships.  Relationships you’re secure in you tend to not appreciate and don’t make the effort because you don’t need to.  The romance is always hotter when things are uncertain.

A lot of people try to deliberately trick themselves into being insecure.  They agonize over the news or their jobs, spend way more money than they need to, and sabotage their relationships.  Why?  Because that makes life interesting.

I’m actually very concerned about what I might do with myself if I manage to retire from the military.  I’ll get a good pension, at a young age, and literally not have to work.  A pretty good bet is that I’ll end up an alcoholic, which of course happens to lots of veterans.  I am wondering if I should not retire, get out sooner, and start spending more of my money, to force myself to work for the rest of my life.

~dmitri